MV: Your in love. This special someone is important to you, and you would do anything for them. But…there’s only one problem, you know your doing something haraam in Islam. You want to be a good Muslim, but at the same time you just can’t leave this person, its just not possible, doing so would cause you to be in distress. Your love struck.
Believe it or not, this scenario is extremely common in our Muslim youth. In these days, “dating” is something extremely common in schools and college throughout the world (even in Muslim countries), and once a youth is in engaged in the act, its almost impossible to leave. Instead of listing and ranting about dating in Islam, this post will be about ways and steps to get out of these so called “love relationships” before marriage. I was inspired to write this post after listening to an amazing youth seminar at EPIC (East Plano Islamic Center) by Imam Yasin and Shaikh Omar Suleiman entitled, “How To Love, dating in Islam.”
First off, is this feeling of attractiveness to the opposite gender….haram? Ustaghfirullah, of course not! Being attracted to the opposite gender just means you’re a human, but its how you use these feelings and desires that matter. Islam does not prohibit love, it encourages it, but with discipline. Discipline yourself in a productive matter and filtering yourself with these urges because these emotions go directly to your heart.
There’s two most common ways the youth have trouble disciplining themselves, one is using their eyes in indulging in haram activities (i.e. pornography) and the other one is hooking up or dating, or you know, flirting-tryna be a playa. How do people justify dating from the other, “Oh atleast, I’m not looking at these disgusting images, I’m just fulfilling my desires.”
Step 1: Don’t justify yourself!
You know that gut feeling or shame you feel in your heart? Go for it. Many times its easier to accept the reality then to justify and ignore it. Chances are your feel more distress just by justifying actions that you know in your heart are truly wrong.
First, lets talk about physiological: if you’ve indulged in it then you already know, if not then talk to people that do know.
This is how the dating scene is set up: You put on your “best” cloths and dress yourself up and hide everything embarrassing that’s really YOU. You have to pretend and act like someone your not (the way you walk, talk and sit). Its extremely exhausting and the hope or long term plan is to hide who you “are” for 6 months until the person gets so hooked that they can’t leave me and then I can expose myself (i.e. COD all day, request for sandwiches, dirty, etc. ) and hope they don’t leave.
Then comes emotion: when the break up comes, you physiologically setting your self up to change so they view you different and when you break up…it literally feels like they ripped your heart out. You can’t talk to anyone for days and you have to wait for someone to press the reset button.
And then comes the part when you finally choose to settle down and marry someone after a few years. When that happens you will constantly compare every girl you’ve gone out with your marriage partner, you’ll never be happy. You’ll feel like your cheating on them.
Physically, your also getting yourself into a big risk. The amount of diseases these days…not to mention, STDs, its something you’ll have to live with your entire life.
Dating and intimacy are extremely attractive from the outside, but they’ll kill us from the inside.
Step 3: Know that with patience, comes much, much better.
Allah (swt) knows that we all love and that we all have desires, He’s not trying to ruin your fun, He’s telling us to stay away from this temporary enjoyment and suppress our desires just a little bit, just a little bit for something so amazing at the end, marriage.
Step 4: Know the difference between Love vs Lust.
Love is when you live with the person for years and years, after knowing all their bad habits and the stupid things they do alone, and still love them for who they are. Love is companionship, protection, trust, etc. And trust me, love isn’t built in only a few months.
Lust is when you only like the person because of their looks or so they can woe you, make you feel good. Using someone just as an object or to fulfill your desires.
Step 5: Know the Islamic solution of love.
You guessed it, Marriage. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said, “There is nothing better for two who love each other than marriage.” (Sahih Al-Jami, 5200)
When your not married, your not complete yet.
Allah (swt) says: “We have created all things in pairs, that perhaps you may remember.” Surah Thariyat Verse 49.
To be loved and loving someone is essential and without it, many say you cannot be complete.
Your wives are your partners in life. Someone asked Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) “Who is the closest to you?” He said, “Aisha (RA) [His wife]”.
Why are priests not allowed to marry? Because love is seem as something evil, but in Islam love is encouraged.
Step 6: Know there’s a balance between the two extremes.
Go back 30-40 years ago, when there was a different era of “groove”. Many of our parents from the Middle East weren’t even allowed to look at their wives before getting married…that was extreme. Now we being in the so called, “modern” era where we kids are scared of this. We tell our parents, “Look, Mom, Dad, I know that was how you role, but I just can’t do that.” So we have this whole other extreme and from that many start doing these haram relationships. In one hand we have this extreme and the other we have the extreme of haram relationships, but there is a balance in between the two. Why was everyone in pairs? To find peace and tranquility, comfort with them so how do we find tranquility if we can’t even stand the person.
Someone came to the Prophet (PBUH) and told him their getting married and the Prophet asked, “Have you seen her?” And after the man says no, the Prophet (PBUH) tells him to go back and see who your marrying. Its a sunnah to see the person who we’re marrying before marrying them. Don’t believe that you have to be forced to live with someone that we don’t even know, and don’t believe that you have to go through these haram relationships. NO there is a healthy middle in which you get to see who your marrying and see if shes compatible and educated.
Step 7: Discipline yourself.
Allah gave us so much and in return he forbade us from just a few things, which are in fact harmful itself or we would want to avoid anyways. Don’t sway away from the Mercy of Allah (swt), discipline yourself. If you can’t break up with the person then ask Allah (swt) for help.
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “Young men, those among you who can afford marriage should do so, for it helps lower the gaze and guard the private parts. And those who cannot afford it should fast, for fasting is a repression for him.”
Fast. Its probably the one of the best ways to stop. When we fast the whole day, who would wanna break it for something so small? Its genius.
And finally, repent. Don’t worry, Allah (swt) is Al-Rahman and Al-Raheem-the most forgiving and most merciful.
Its not impossible, never give up, and you’ll be out of you’ll be out of this love struck, insh’Allah.
Note: Much of the information used was taken from the wisdom of Shaikh Abdul Nasir Jangda’s lecture about being Love Struck.