“But We’re Just Friends” ~ A Voice From A Married Sister


MV: Aselamulaikum!

This morning I was sent an email with a sad, but true personal experience shared by a married sister of Islam. This sister humbly shared and contributed this amazing piece of experience. The main point of the article is about how so many women have to deal with their husbands (or could be vice versa) getting too close with their “Female Friends,” and how its become a norm to do certain things to the opposite gender that are completely forbidden in Islam. Besides marriage, this also mainly occurs within the youth. I myself, being a student (I’m single), have seen and dealt with many young Muslims within the community dealing with the opposite gender inappropriately, so much so that it has become a social norm. May Allah swt forgive us all, Ameen. 

I’m sure the sisters personal experience will help clarify a lot of the misconceptions insh’Allah. 

Please note: Although the sister wishes to remain anonymous, the story bellow is completely true. 

May Allah swt reward her for her efforts, Ameen. 

I looked at my husband in disbelief when he yelled, “You are narrow-minded. I don’t understand how you have such a myopic view of life.”

Thesaurus mode: myopic; short-sighted, lacking foresight, improvident, narrow, small-minded, unimaginative…

Astaghfirullah, my world shattered into many pieces and my heart broke into even smaller pieces.  He went further to state that his family have also “labelled” me as a one of
those jealous wives, and I was being childish.  I was too shocked to give a reply, besides, the way he was on fire, I decided to remain calm.

Not once had I confronted any of the “female friends” he shakes or hugs or kisses on the cheek.  Not once did I scream, yell, or insult him for doing so.  Not once did I blame his parents for his upbringing. I simply, calmly voiced it out, that I was not comfortable with it; it was embarrassing, humiliating, and disrespectful.  Most importantly, Allah has forbidden it.

For a brief moment, I felt doubt. Was I overreacting?  Was I being “old fashioned”?  Does Islam need reforming as times change?  Am I being unreasonable?  His so-called “female friends” are also Muslims, shouldn’t they know better?  How would he feel if males I’ve known before we got married start showing up to hug, rub my shoulders, and laugh gaily with me in front of him OR behind his back?  Would he feel comfortable to see my boss or colleague kiss me on the cheek?  Am I being archaic?

Then I started reciting prayers under my breath.  I halted the doubt, and reminded myself that Allah’s words cannot be changed.

As Muslims, we are all bound by Islam. And we pray for family, spouses, and friends, who will guide us Islamically.  For not only do we want to live in harmony on Dunya, we would also want to be together in Jannah.  It is dismal that “sins” are belittled.  One of them, free physical contact with the opposite sex. These days shaking, kissing, and hugging of opposite sex members are taken too lightly. We are letting go of Islamic principles and this will only bring trouble.

Physical contact is FORBIDDEN between colleagues, family friends, acquaintances, cousins; simply put, “Non-Mahrams”.  No matter how hard people try to “redefine” and “remix” who they claim to be “family”, it has already been defined by Allah (swt).  No one can change that.

Thus, Allah set restrictions and boundaries between the opposite sex. We have limits to prevent suspicions and sins.  Mingling and mixing between men and women, leads to embracing, hugging, kissing, touching, and flirting, which in turn is a vice to immorality.  No self-respecting woman will allow a man to freely touch her, same as no self-respecting man will accept unnecessary touching.  Even when in a setting you cannot avoid to mix, the manner at which you conduct yourself, through speech, dressing, and composure, can maintain a certain level of modesty.  I grew up in non-Muslim communities, but made those around me aware of my religious duties.  Now as an adult married and settled in a Muslim community, I am labelled?  Question: If the non-Muslims can respect me for it, why am I having problems in a Muslim society where Muslims should know better?  Answer: Shaytan.

We are told to “lower our gaze”, so what makes physical contact any less severe?  It is not permissible to “simply” shake hands with a non-Mahram, because the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said:

“For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for him than to touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” (at-Tabaraani saheeh by al-Albaani).

This shows that body contact by hugging, cheek-to-cheek contact, and lips-to-cheek contact is clearly transgressing limits.  It is sad to see husbands more willing to hug or kiss other women than touch their wives. While women tend to look prettier and talk flirtatiously with men other than their husbands.  And we wonder why social ills are on the rise? High divorce rates, wives cheating, husbands sneaking, and children with no morals are all a result of neglecting our Islamic principles.

Religiously, Allah has made His Law final.  Scientifically, oxytocin is released during hugging & pleasant physical touch, thus the nickname, ‘the love hormone”.  So reserve your affection to those who deserve it: your spouse, children, parents, and siblings.  Such contact between Non-Mahrams will send out the wrong message to those involved and those observing, which will have negative consequences. Nothing positive can come of it, because it is a lifestyle based on falsehood.  Falsehood ends terribly, while Truth is eternal.

We are blessed with a beautiful religion, ISLAM, that transcends us from Jahilliya. For us, as Muslims, to revert to the age of ignorance is a shame and disgrace.  Islam teaches us “Haya”; bashfullness, piety, and modesty.  This is what distinguishes us from animals.

Allah’s Messenger (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said:
“Beware of sins which are treated as being minor, just like a people who encamp in the centre of a valley, so someone brings a stick of firewood and someone else brings a stick until they are, therefore, able to bake their bread. Likewise, sins which are treated as being minor, and for which the person is taken to account, will destroy him.” [Ahmad]

When you kiss your wife, hug your kids, shake your sibling, embrace your parents; you are rewarded.  Be honest with yourself, would you get rewarded if you hugged a colleague, kissed a stranger, embraced a married person, hold hands with an opposite sex “friend”?  May Allah protect us, but it seems as if the devil has beautified sins (evil) and is deceiving people to stray.

Satan says; “He said: ‘Because You have thrown me out of the way, I will lie in wait for them on Your straight way. Then will I assault them from before them and behind them, from their right and their left. You will find most of them to be ungrateful.'” [Sûrah al-A`râf: 16-17]

A lot of Muslims assume that just because they pray, fast, perform Hajj, give sadaqah, and do other righteous deeds, that is enough for them to be successful Mu’mineens.  They have convinced themselves that “just shaking” will not cause them any harm.  Now, THAT is a myopic way of seeing it!  If a person indulges in sins that he/she has belittled (gossiping, mixed gatherings, riba, backbiting etc), it may serve as a nullifier to their Salat, their charity, their Hajj, and so on.  Meaning, your good deeds might just get cancelled and replaced with sins you commit (no matter how YOU label it, be it minor or major).

“(Satan) said: ‘O my Lord! Because You have put me in the wrong, I will make wrong fair-seeming to them on the Earth, and I will put them all in the wrong except Your servants among them, sincere and purified.’ ” [Sûrah al-Hijr: 39-40]

I often wonder if my husband will tolerate other men holding, shaking, hugging, and kissing me.  If the women he hugs were married, wouldn’t he think it was disrespectful to their husbands?  Unless the husbands are “Duyooth”; men who don’t feel protective jealousy about their women folk.  Or if the women he kisses on the cheeks are single, don’t the women have shame and won’t they, out of respect, decline to do so because they won’t offend the wife?  Would my husband tolerate his daughters to be “casually hugged” by boys?  Is this what Islam encourages? Absolutely NOT.  Islam has dignified us.

In Prophet Muhammad’s (s.a.w) last sermon, he reminds us;

“Beware of Satan, for the safety of your religion. He has lost all hope that he will ever be able to lead you astray in big things, so beware of following him in small things.”

These are the limits (set) by Allah, so do not approach them” [2:1871]

May Allah grant us the wisdom., foresight, and awareness to admit our wrongs and correct ourselves. May Allah protect us all from angering Him, and prevent us from pleasing Shaytan. Ameen

“Allah the Almighty has laid down religious duties, so do not neglect them.
He has set boundaries, so do not over step them.
He has prohibited some things, so do not violate them…”

P.S. – Shaytan’s most successful work is the separation of husband and wife. Don’t be an tool in the devil’s workshop.

~ your Sister, Daughter, Mother in Islam.


7 thoughts on ““But We’re Just Friends” ~ A Voice From A Married Sister

  1. Ameen thumma Ameen

    Subhan Allah sister! May ALLAH make it easy on you Ameen

    May Allah guide your husband to the straight path Ameen

    Jazaki Allahu Khayran for sharing this.

    May ALLAH reward you for your patience Ameen

  2. Wa alaikum assalam it made me cry so much !!! It’s the story of my life !!!! My husband does exactly same ! He has so many female “friends” he meets them, chats with them, calls them, and he ignores me completely ! If I confront him he says he’s not doing anything wrong !!! Even we all know it’s big sin in Islam what he’s doing. I pray for you sister in sha Allah all will be well

  3. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=0T02qED42Zs&gl=GB

    May Allah guide and protect us. People are still in the state of jahiliyya. And unfortunately they do not like (or want?) to be corrected. It’s a pity many spouses have to suffer for choosing to be upright. They’re resented by their spouse and then ridiculed by the community. Then again,

    “Islam began as something strange and will revert to being strange as it began, so *tooba (glad tidings) to the strangers.”

    Glad tidings to you sisters. (Aaliyah, keep your head up :)) May Allah reward you all.

  4. May Allah make it easier for this sister and sister Aaliyah. This is actually very common unfortunately. No matter how common something is it doesn’t make it right or wrong. My advice as a brother (although im in no position to give advice) is to stay away from telling husband what is wrong/right b/c he probably knows. The obstacle is that his heart is not accepting it and the only thing that can help in this is so increase dhikr of Allah (especially pray tahajjud), be the best wife you can be, avoid talking about this subject but instead always talk about things which will increase iman. He will then inshaAllah slowly come to not only understand it but leave it.
    Wishing and praying for all the best. your brother, Mohammad.

  5. Ya Muqallib al Qulub,

    I ask You by Your infinite power that you make all the men and women who commits this disgraceful act read this article and may it be a means of them changing their ways and being righteous spouses and better than their spouse would ever expect them to be.

    Ameen ya Allah

    May Allah swt grant you Jannat al Firdows for being a voice to the countless men and women who suffer the same issue.

  6. I hate Islam. I hate all religions. I love only reason and science. Although I do agree that we need to abstain from hugging people that don’t deserve it, like those who are not a part of our family. My parents are cousins. I’ve been having a lot of boyfriends through my life. I feel really messed up and I really mess up just by living my life. But I just move on and keep myself secure, I don’t want to let creeps to even look on me! I have made a good thing that I have blocked one creep everywhere and made a rude video about him. I was defending myself, he got what he deserves. And people, don’t give hugs, please, don’t give hugs, even to family members! It is a direct path to life I have lived: life full of adultery and fornication.

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